


Vows

by romanticalgirl



Series: Separated Trilogy [3]
Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 07:34:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl





	1. Friday

"I didn’t expect you to come."

Pacey glanced up from the menu and shrugged. He got to his feet and moved around to hold her chair out for her. Joey sank down into it and let him scoot it in, his hand brushing along her back as he moved away. "I debated for a long time."

"What made you say yes?"

"I’ve never been able to refuse you anything."

The waiter walked over and she ordered a glass of wine. Pacey shook off the offered refill and handed her a menu. Joey took it, hoping that he wouldn’t notice her trembling hands. "How’s school?"

"Good. We’re on winter break right now, so there’s nothing much to do. I was thinking about going skiing, just to get away for a while."

"Why aren’t you?"

"Andie’s due any minute now. I thought it would be nice if I were around…" he broke off, bowing his head in embarrassment. "I’m sorry. Probably the last thing you want to talk about."

"It’s okay. Yeah, it’s still hard. And it will probably always hurt, but I am happy for Andie and Doug." Joey shrugged. "People are going to keep having babies. Dwelling on it only drove me crazy."

"How…how’s Dawson?"

"I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in a while." She glanced down at the menu, not ready to meet his gaze. "He wanted to stay together after the baby, but I didn’t…after I saw you again at…at the reunion, I couldn’t."

"Couldn’t?"

She shook her head. "We had a long talk, Dawson and I. We talked about our history and all the things that made us both sure for so long that we needed to be together. And when it was all laid out, there really wasn’t that much there. Every argument he had, there was another one, just as strong for you."

"Well, and as much as being compared to Dawson, however favorably…"

"I’m not comparing you." Joey shook her head and took a sip of her wine. "I never compared you. I’m trying to explain."

"Joey, I don’t know that hearing your explanation is what I want right now. I came here because I was curious to see if I was okay with this…with you. I needed to know, for my own sake, that I could walk into a room and see you and not have my world come crumbling down."

"And…and can you?" When he didn’t respond, she sighed and nodded. "Right. Yet another question I don’t have the right to ask. Well, since I’m on a roll, Andie tells me that you’ve started dating."

"Andie talks too much for her own good."

"Are you? Dating?"

"Yeah. It’s nothing serious. I’m not looking for serious right now." His eyes were focused on his glass, not looking at her. "What about you? You’re not with Dawson, are you dating anyone else? Anyone I know? Anyone I’ve been lifelong friends with?"

"Are you ready to order?"

Joey looked up from the menu in front of her, a polite smile on her face. "Yeah. The gentleman will have a steak. Medium-well. Baked potato, no sour cream, extra butter. A side salad, vinaigrette dressing." She caught Pacey’s eye, struggling not to smile at his impressed look. "I’ll have…"

"Roast chicken breast, new baby potatoes, lightly braised in butter. Steamed vegetables. Side salad. Same dressing. And she’d like a little more wine."

The waiter simply nodded, not attempting to understand people. "Very good."

Joey laughed. "We know each other too well."

"We’ve known each other too long." He picked up his glass and stared at the swirling liquid. "Why did you want to see me, Joey?"

"It’s been a long time. And I thought maybe I was ready to give you the explanations you deserved, the apology I owe you and see if there was any possibility you’d listen. You have every right to hate me. And I know that I’m asking you to deal with something you’re trying to put behind you. But I…I need to do this if I’m going to move forward."

"And moving forward is important."

"Isn’t that why you gave me back the ring? So that you could?"

He didn’t respond. Turning his head, he stared out the window of the restaurant. "When was the last time you saw him, Joey?"

"Saw him? Or lived with him?"

He flinched slightly. "Either. Both."

"I saw him three weeks ago. He stopped by the gallery with his new girlfriend." She laughed softly. "You remember Principal Green’s daughter?"

"Yeah."

"They hooked up again at the class reunion. Just friends, just talking. But once I was out of the picture, I think he was able to see things in a new light."

"And the golden boy makes good, one more time."

"He had a hard time too, after the baby."

"Don’t." He looked back at her, his eyes hard. "If you want to talk, that’s fine. We’ll talk, we’ll banter. Hell, we can even spar. But don’t you dare defend him to me."

"I’m not defending what he and I did, Pacey. I wouldn’t insult you like that. But just because we made a mistake, doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve a little sympathy for our loss."

"Your loss. That’s right. It was yours. Yours and his." He leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling. "This was a bad idea."

"He feels guilty. After you left and things fell apart, I think he started to realize and feel guilty about the part, however small, he played in the break up of our marriage. And guilt, on Dawson, was never a pretty thing."

"No. He was never very good at it." Pacey laughed softly, bitterly. "So, Dawson feels guilty?"

"Not as guilty as I do. Dawson goes with his instincts, what’s easiest, what’s right there. He doesn’t like the complex character questions and issues. He can film them; he just can’t live them. I’m a complex issue when it comes to Dawson."

Pacey didn’t say anything and Joey sighed. The waiter brought over their food and set it in front of them, along with another bottle of wine.

"Will you let me explain? Let me get this off my chest so maybe I can go on living without you?" She played with her fork, stabbing the chicken with it. "That’s all I ask. That’s all I want. A clean slate. No misconceptions. No lies. I’ll tell you what happened. I’ll tell you why. And then, when I’m sure that you hate me, I’ll let you go."

Pacey met her gaze, staring at her in silence for a long time. "Can we enjoy a nice dinner first?"

She smiled despite the tears in her eyes. "Yeah. I think we can."

**

Pacey reached for the check, surprised when the warmth of Joey’s hand covered his. "No way, Witter. I asked you out. I pay."

"I’m a gentleman."

"No you’re not." She grinned at him, amazed once again at how easily they fell into old habits. "You’re anything but."

"You’re right. I’m a scoundrel. A black sheep. That’s why women love me." He released the bill, turning his hand over to capture hers. His thumb stroked the back of her hand, his eyes watching her intently. "It’s the sense of danger."

"And I suppose danger is your middle name."

"Not unless I’ve been spelling it wrong. Pacey J. Witter. Look me up sometime." He released her hand, unwilling to analyze what had possessed him to take it in the first place. Touching her was a road he couldn’t afford to travel. "So, we’ve had a relatively peaceful dinner. Where do we go for the fireworks?"

"I don’t live that far from here."

"I don’t know that I want to visit anyplace…"

"Dawson helped me move in. He stayed all of a half an hour to devour a pizza and about three Cokes before he left, along with Nikki, Bessie, Bodie and Alexander. I know I haven’t done anything lately to deserve it, but give me a little credit. I’m trying to smooth things over here, Pacey, not incite you into an outrage. I would never ask you to go somewhere where I was…with Dawson."

He nodded. "Sorry. I guess this whole thing makes me a little irrational."

"Kinda scary, since you’re not the most rational being to begin with." She handed the bill and her card over to the waiter. "It’s going to be a long night, did you want to stop for anything? Drinks? Snacks? Earplugs? A gag?"

"You getting’ kinky on me, Pott…Joey?"

She closed her eyes at the sound of the endearment, swallowing hard when he refused to finish the word. "I just know that you might get sick of hearing me speak."

"Never happen." He gave her a grin, one that struck her like a fist. "Should I bring my car?"

"Did you bring your car?" She tilted her head, watching him in the candlelight. She could see the tension he was trying to hard to hide. Knowing him as well as she did, it was easy to see how difficult this was for him, how much he hated playing this game.

"Actually, no. I walked."

"Well then, my car it is." She stood up, waiting for him to join her. "You never did answer me. Was there anything you wanted?"

Pacey bit back the laugh that threatened. "No. I think I’ll be fine." She nodded, walking out to her car. He grinned as he saw the MG. "You have an unnatural attachment to this vehicle, Joey. It’s too old, it’s falling apart."

"It’s a convertible and it’s cute." She unlocked the passenger door and handed him the keys. "And you love to drive it."

"I don’t know where I’m going."

She shoved him toward the driver’s side and slid in the passenger’s seat. Once he was in the car, she looked over at him, "Don’t worry. I’ll tell you how to get there."

He started the car, afraid to meet her eyes. Her voice was full of promise, but he couldn’t let himself hear it. He didn’t want to hear it. He was moving on with his life and he knew, no matter how seductive the opportunity, being with Joey was a mistake. As much as he wanted to know all the answers he’d never gotten, he didn’t need to be faced with temptation. He reached down for the gearshift, surprised when she put her hand over his. "Joey?"

"Just drive, Pacey."

He did as she asked, unable to speak. Her hand was warm over his, stroking his skin with the gentlest of touches. Her fingers rested naturally along his, slipping between them so they were almost holding hands. She spoke softly, guiding him through the streets until they reached her apartment.

"Home sweet home."

He withdrew his hand from hers quickly, avoiding her eyes as he climbed out of the car. Joey just smiled to herself and led the way up to her apartment. He followed her warily; his eyes focused on the movement of her hips as she climbed the stairs.

His pulse was pounding as she hurried up them, her skirt swaying, offering him a tantalizing glimpse of her shapely thighs. He groaned underneath his breath, cursing himself for allowing her to put him in this situation.

"Coming?"

He started, meeting her eyes. There was something knowing in them as she gazed at him, and he knew she knew exactly what was on his mind. He climbed the last few steps and brushed past her into the apartment. He moved closer to her deliberately, letting their hands touch. Joey’s breath caught and she turned her hand, capturing his and bringing his body against hers.

Pacey pinned her to the door, his breath mingling with hers. He could feel the hard tips of her nipples through their clothes, could hear the hitch in her breath. "Is that the point of all of this?"

"No." She pushed him away, her hands shaking. "At least, no. No, it’s not. I’m sorry. It’s habit when I’m with you, I think. You remind me…never mind."

"What?"

"You remind me of how you make me feel. You always made me feel beautiful and desirable. At least, you did after we got past the hating each other thing."

"I never hated you." He looked around the apartment, noting a few of the pictures on the walls were very obviously hers. "I wanted you. I was jealous of you. I was…no, I did hate you for a while there. But I always respected you. You gave as good as you got."

"And you made sure to give me every trick in your arsenal."

He sank onto the couch. "And you loved every minute of it. Face it, Josephine, I was the only thing that livened up your dull adolescence. I gave you something to fight, something to get away from."

"And then I married you."

"And then you got away from me." He sat up straight. "Which brings us right back to here."

"Would you like something to drink?" She walked to the kitchen, shedding her coat as she went. Pacey watched her, his eyes hungry for her. Her hair fell below her shoulders, like moonlight on silken waters. Her dress clung to her whenever she moved, drifting over her body like a warm tide. He groaned again and closed his eyes. He needed to get the hell away from her.

"Whatever."

Joey looked back at him over her shoulder. "You okay?"

"You have a beer?"

She held up a bottle. "Somehow I knew you were going to say that."

"You can read my mind, Jo."

She walked back into the living room and handed him the beer, her eyes glancing down at his lap, noting his obvious erection. "You’d better hope not, Witter."

**

He laughed and shook his head. "You want to know you effect me, Joey? You do." He took a drink from the bottle and set it down on the table. "And I effect you. It’s something we’ve always done. Something we’ll always do. But it doesn’t add up to anything."

She blushed, embarrassed. "You’re right. I’m sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for." He shrugged. "I’m sure as hell not going to apologize for turning you on. It’s a talent I spent a lot of years cultivating. But that’s not where we ever had a problem."

"No. Our problems were never of a sexual nature." She sat in the chair next to the couch and looked down into the bottle in her hands. "Where do you want me to start, Pacey?"

"I’ve got all night, Jo. Why don’t you start at the beginning?" He leaned forward and pulled off his jacket. Joey’s eyes were drawn to the play of muscles under his shirt, the subtle shifts of skin and sinew. He tugged on his tie, loosening it. "Where ever that was. Where ever it started to go wrong."

"A week before we talked…well, you started giving me a hard time about having a kid."

"I never gave you a hard time." Pacey’s eyes locked on hers.

"That night, even though you were joking, Pacey, I felt threatened. I was scared and I didn’t know what to tell you and I lashed out. I told you a lie that night."

"You told me you didn’t want children. Didn’t want to get pregnant." He picked up his beer and took a long drink. "Which was obviously a lie."

"A week before that night, I had found something…I thought I found a lump in my breast. I went to the doctor, but I hadn’t gotten any test results back yet. You started talking about starting a family and having a happily ever after and I was scared to death I wasn’t going to live to see it." She took a deep breath. "I wanted to tell you, but I was scared. I kept thinking of how my father reacted when he found out about my mom and I knew that I couldn’t survive if you did that to me, Pacey."

"Did you really have that little faith in me?"

"I had all my faith in my father and you know how that turned out."

He stood up and walked over to the window. "Why didn’t you tell me?"

"I wanted to know for sure. I didn’t want to worry you."

He laughed incredulously. "You didn’t want to worry me? Was leaving me the better option?"

"Shut up!" She looked up at him, her eyes wounded. "I need you to hear this." Her voice was thick with tears. "I need you to know. But I can’t do this if you’re going to attack me."

"Fine." He turned back to the window and crossed his arms over his chest. "I’ll be quiet."

"And petulant, apparently." She got off the chair and walked over to the kitchen. "I was going to tell you that night. You’d just gotten the award for your thesis and you wanted to celebrate. You’d worked so hard and I couldn’t…Then when we were lying there on the floor, all tangled together, all I could think about was how I couldn’t bear to not see you like that." She ran her finger over the counter, tracing the tiles. "And then you looked up at me. Your hair was damp with sweat and your eyes were shining. God, the blue was so bright I thought I was going to be blinded. Everything you felt for me was right there in your eyes, Pacey. And you brushed back my hair and licked my lips."

"And then I asked you to have my baby."

She nodded, not looking up. "And I couldn’t say yes." She turned her head slightly and looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He was standing so stiffly, hurt so clear in his stance. "And I was afraid to tell you why."

"Did you think I wouldn’t love you anymore, Joey? Did you think that I was so…selfish?"

"I pulled away from you and I told you no. I tried to get out of your arms, but you thought I was joking and you kept touching and kissing me until I gave in."

"I’m sorry it was so hard for you."

She flinched at the hollowness of his voice. "I was going to explain the next day, I wanted to tell you the truth. Then I found the letter you’d written to Dawson that night. It was like you voiced every fear I had. That I didn’t love you enough, that I was still in love with him, that we weren’t meant to be. We’re a dangerous combination when we both think, Pacey. You were thinking I was still in love with someone else, still in love with Dawson. And I was afraid that you wanted something I wasn’t."

"And then you went and proved me right, didn’t you?" He didn’t say the words with any accusation, just quiet acceptance. "You went to him."

"I’d gotten my test results back that day. I was going to tell you the truth after the gallery opening. You never showed up, I drank too much and you came home smelling like another woman. I was hurt and I got mad."

"And you left."

"You showed me the door."

"You ran to him."

She bent her head. "I did. Don’t I always."

They stood there on opposite sides of the room, neither looking at each other, neither sure of what to say next. Finally Pacey broke the silence. "So, you’re…you’re okay?"

"Fine. False alarm." Her voice held the soft lilt of laughter, although it was harsh and bitter. "I went to Dawson’s that night with every intention of coming home the next day. He took me in; he made me feel comfortable again. He made me feel like…He made me feel less like a failure, Pacey."

"I make you feel like a failure?" He leaned against the window, his breath decorating it with heat. "What a wonderful post mortem on our marriage."

"I let you down. I kept things from you and I hurt you. And when you hurt me, I blamed them all on you." She licked her lips, catching the bottom one between her teeth and worrying it. "Me leaving wasn’t all my fault, Pacey. Me staying away was."

He didn’t respond as he began running his finger through the moisture on the window. Joey walked toward him slowly, stopping when she was just a few feet away.

"Dawson brought me home that weekend. You weren’t there, and I was afraid you’d left. For good. I couldn’t stay there without you, so I asked Dawson to take me back to his house. On Monday, I felt so angry and guilty and…out of control. I told them that you’d cheated on me just so that I wouldn’t feel so alone in my hurt."

"You weren’t alone." He glanced over at her. "You hurt, I hurt. That’s a running theme with us."

"After that, well I didn’t know what to say to you. And then I walked in on you and…Amy? Was that her name?"

"My cheap slut for hire?" He nodded, a faint smile on his lips. "Yeah."

"I’d convinced myself that I was being stupid. I went to see you that day so that I could apologize. I wanted to do whatever I had to, beg you, to take me back. And I walked in on you and I assumed the worst."

"You did that a lot when it came to me." He watched her reflection in the window. "Not that I didn’t give you reason. I wasn’t exactly…"

"A monk?" She shook her head. "I had every reason to trust you, Pacey. Except for the voice that kept whispering in my ear."

The room grew colder. "Dawson."

"Dawson." She nodded. "But I…I believed him, Pacey. He told me what I thought I wanted to hear. I wanted you to be the bad guy, and he did his best to make you that. It wasn’t fair to either of you, but it was what I needed." She turned slightly so that they were both avoiding each other, staring at one another’s reflection. "I went back to his house that night. I couldn’t even cry. I was just frozen inside. I just kept picturing you with another woman, making love to her on our bed. Having babies with another woman. Babies that I wanted so badly to have for you."

"So you slept with Dawson."

She nodded, her eyes glued to the mirror reflection of his. "I slept with Dawson."

**

"I’d like to say that I’d had too much to drink, but I don’t think that’s fair to anyone." She turned away from his gaze and walked back to the chair. Kicking off her shoes, she slid her stocking clad feet on the coffee table. "I was hurting, and I was mad. I’d gone there ready to throw myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness and I found you in a compromising position."

"I was hugging the woman. She was crying."

"And where in my explanation did I say I was rational?" She gave him a quick look. "I walked into the house and went straight for the bar. Dawson was just standing there, looking like a cross between a lovesick puppy and a kid caught masturbating by his parents."

"What?" Pacey finally turned, a smile threatening.

"He was watching the Miss Windjammer tape. Watching me."

"I didn’t think he was watching my rousing speech on equality."

"It was the first time he’d ever seen me as beautiful. And I needed to feel that way right about then." Joey stared at her feet, afraid to look at him. "So I went over to him and kissed him."

Pacey walked over to the couch, sinking down onto it again. "And he kissed you back."

"It had been nine years since I’d had sex with anyone who wasn’t you." She rubbed the hem of her dress between her thumb and forefinger. "It was…messy and unfulfilling. It was…fumbling."

"Was Dawson still a virgin, saving himself for you?" Pacey asked snidely.

"No. But it felt like we were. Maybe it’s just that Dawson always makes me feel like that girl I was when I was fifteen, afraid and nervous, unsure of herself but so sure of him." She sighed sadly. "I don’t know what Dawson thought about it. I refused to say anything afterwards. I went up to my room and took a long shower, scrubbing myself clean." This time she laughed. "How funny that the pure little boy picture Dawson always presented made me feel so dirty, so used. But he didn’t use me. I used myself. I wanted to punish you for hurting me, myself for hurting you."

"What happened then?" It was like an accident he couldn’t look away from, this tangled wreck of their lives. When had something so simple and right turned so ugly and wrong? Why had it gone so far?

"He came into my room after I was done in the shower. I was crying, wrapped up in one of your sweaters. He came in and brushed my hair, whispering softly to me. He told me no one had to know, that it was our secret. You’d never know." She ran a hand through her hair, mimicking the action. "I told him that you were cheating on me, that our marriage was over. I filed for divorce the next day."

"I know."

She ventured a glance at him, surprised by the lack of emotion. "Do you hate him, Pacey?"

"Dawson?" He shrugged as she nodded. "Sometimes. And then sometimes I just feel so sorry for him. He had this charmed life for so long then it all fell apart. And he never quite learned how to handle it when things didn’t go his way."

"Like when the girl who’d loved him since she was five fell in love with his best friend?"

"Or when the girl he’d loved for so long came to him and gave him everything he wanted under the condition that he pretend it never happened."

She flinched. "He offered."

"It didn’t matter in the long run. Because you were pregnant." Pacey sighed and laughed shortly. "I take it back. I hate him."

She didn’t say anything for a long time, staring over at his hands. She could still see the faint lines where his wedding ring had been, even after all this time. "It was his victory over you. He expected you to beat the shit out of him when you saw him at the hospital. He thought it made him stronger that you didn’t have the guts." He looked up at her and she met his eyes purposefully. "I understood though."

"You did?"

"It was actually your victory over him. You would have been the villain if you’d done anything but what you did. You would have been the guy picking on the man who had just lost his child. You would have been…"

"Exactly what Dawson expected me to be." Pacey nodded. "I wanted to kill him when I first saw him in Doug’s house. I wanted to storm down those steps and rip his fucking head off. He had his arm around you and he was touching you and I just…I hated him more than I’ve ever hated anyone. Even my father."

"But you stayed in control."

"I thought you’d made your choice. Making you hate me even more wouldn’t have done either of us any good. When you left me…that morning, you felt the guilt. I didn’t. For once in my life, I hadn’t screwed it up. If I had attacked Dawson, I would have taken it all on my shoulders."

"It took a stronger man to walk away. And you were that man. You’ve always been that man." Her eyes caressed his profile, drinking him in. "And you won the battle that day, Pacey, whether you realized it or not."

"What battle?"

"The one you and Dawson had been fighting since the night you first kissed me. Since the night of the carnival. I realized that what I have with Dawson…we’re going to be best friends all our lives. I was lying in that hospital bed after you’d left and it came to me. Dawson and I are best friends. We’ve been more and we’ve been less, but there’s always going to be a connection between us. Maybe it’s destiny and maybe it’s not. I don’t pretend to understand. But you and I? We’re different. We’re connected because we choose to be. Because we looked at everything and decided that we were going to join our lives together."

"Which would explain our divorce in what way?"

"People were always telling me that Dawson and I were soulmates. Even before I’d confessed my feelings or he’d confessed his. And I was wondering if we were soulmates when we were friends, why we always thought we had to end up being something more. I never wanted anything more with him, not once I got a taste of it with you."

"This is all very pretty rhetoric, Joey, but it still doesn’t explain why."

She closed her eyes and turned her head, not wanting to be tempted by him. "I had the baby because I couldn’t do anything else. I couldn’t abort it. I couldn’t give it up for adoption. I couldn’t. So I did what I thought was best."

"You stayed with Dawson."

"Yes."

"But you didn’t marry him."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I wasn’t in love with Dawson. I was still in love with you."

**

Pacey grabbed his beer and drained it. "You loved me. Would that explain our lost weekend?"

"I didn’t want you to find out from someone else. Only when I went to tell you, I couldn’t find the words. And then we talked and we cleared so many things up, so many things that if we had just talked…if I had just talked to you, we could have cleared up and worked through." She stared at his hands, unwilling to meet his gaze. "It was everything I wanted, and it was my last chance to have it. I tried to say it so many times. I tried to tell you so many times." Her voice thickened with tears. "But I couldn’t do it. And then when I saw you looking at that picture and I pictured you…oh God, Pacey." She stopped talking, her tears finally getting the better of her.

He sat there, not moving as she cried. Her hands covered her face as his curled into fists, resisting the urge to offer her comfort. He stared unseeing at the coffee table, letting his eyes focus on the magazine that lay there. An Experiment in Pointillism. He counted the small dots that graced the cover, waiting for her to speak again.

"I considered…" her voice was ragged with tears. "I thought about trying to pass it off as yours. I mean, people have premature babies all the time. But then I thought that would be even more of a betrayal. You deserved a woman who could give you your own babies." She swallowed hard. "So I had to tell you."

"In the most gut wrenching way possible, apparently."

"I had to tell you before I gave into the temptation to stay."

"You could have left. You could have sent me a letter. You could have walked out before I woke up and called me from a fucking payphone! Do you know what it was like to look at you as you told me?" His voice broke, the strain of anger and pain shattering his calm. "To look into those eyes that I loved, eyes that I’d told all my secrets to and see nothing but him? Every morning I would wake up and look into your eyes. I would see love and hope and promise. And then the morning that I longed to see those things, I saw Dawson. You gave him the one thing you wouldn’t give me."

"I didn’t do it on purpose."

"You think that matters?" His voice evened out and the lack of emotion unnerved her. "All my life I’ve been in someone’s shadow. Doug’s. Dawson’s. Every time something went wrong with us, Joey, I was afraid you’d run to him. I wasn’t surprised you slept with Dawson. I was surprised you loved me so little to hide the betrayal behind a weekend full of deception. I couldn’t trust a single emotion or feeling or thought I had during that entire time with you."

"Pacey…"

"Fuck you." He stood up and started toward the door. "You want to know what I did that weekend, Joey? I fell in love with you all over again. I let my heart get tangled up in you and I trusted you. I laid my soul bare. And in the back of my mind, the entire time? I knew it was a lie."

"It wasn’t a lie."

"What was it then?" He stopped at the door, his fingers wrapped around the handle. "Because I’d really like to know."

"It was me, falling in love with you again. It was me, getting caught up in you. Everything I said to you, everything we did, I meant with my soul and my heart. The only lie I told was the lie of omission."

"Wasn’t that lie enough?"

Joey stood up and walked over to him, her hand hovering above his arm, afraid to touch him. "I didn’t think I had a choice, Pacey. I knew I couldn’t ask you to raise Dawson’s child for all the reasons that you’ve just mentioned. I knew that Dawson wouldn’t let you raise his child." She pulled her hand back and shrugged. "I did what I thought I had to do. There was no right answer."

"I was okay without you. I was actually managing. Then you came back that weekend and I lost it all over again. I remembered everything I had made myself forget so that I could continue going from day to day and then you ripped it out of my hands."

"Would you have raised his child, Pacey?"

He whirled around, his eyes demanding, "Why did you ever love me?" His voice broke, shaking with rage. "Wasn’t it enough to hate me? You had to find some more painful torture? You had to make me love you so that you could rip out my soul?" He grabbed her shoulders and lifted her, his eyes boring into hers. "It wasn’t enough to break me, Joey? You had to destroy me too?"

"You said you loved me. At the hospital. At the reunion."

He let her go, not noticing as she stumbled back from his abrupt dismissal of her. "I have a weakness for women in pain."

"I don’t know how else to say I’m sorry, Pacey. I don’t know how else to…"

"There’s nothing more to say, Joey." He took a deep breath and held it for a long moment.

"I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that we can’t fix this. I know that I’ve screwed up. I know that I did everything wrong. I know that I hurt you."

"Irreconcilable differences."

"What?"

"That was why we got divorced. Irreconcilable differences. What makes you think we can reconcile them all now?"

Joey laughed through her tears. "You’re right. I’m a fool. Joey Potter, bane of every happy relationship. Curse of death." She turned away, walking toward the hallway on the opposite side of the room. "Go home, Pacey. The keys to the MG are on the counter. I’ll send someone to pick it up."

He opened the door, turning to watch her walk away from him. "Joey?" She didn’t answer as she kept walking. "Potter?"

She froze.

"Do you…if the baby had lived. Would you have married him?"

"No."

"Lived together in sin?"

"No."

"Lived together at all?"

"We were going to move back to Capeside and raise her together. Joint custody. Mitch and Gale were going to let us live in their house for a while, until we got everything figured out. I wanted her to know her father, Pacey. I didn’t want him to be my husband."

"I…I wish things could have been different for us."

"Me too."

"I would…I would have liked one of those happy endings."

She sobbed. "Me too."

Pacey closed the door softly and moved quickly down the carpeted hall. Joey fell to her knees, burying her face in her hands as she cried. He knelt behind her and wrapped her in his embrace, turning her as he brought her to his chest.

"You’re not here. You left me."

"I thought I told you, Potter, I’ll never leave."

**

Joey lifted her eyes to his, tears still trailing down her cheeks. Pacey’s own eyes were wide with uncertainty. He released her and slumped back against the wall. "So, here we are again."

She laughed softly. "Yeah."

"I would have been there for you, Jo. I would have stood by you while you were sick, if you were sick. I wouldn’t have left your side."

"I know. I knew it then, I was just afraid. I’ve always been so afraid of losing the people I love, Pacey. I couldn’t stand to put you through what I went through."

"How did someone so smart get so dumb when it comes to me?" He brought his knees up and rested his arms on them. "Joey, I would go through hell for you. I gave you the divorce because I thought that was what you wanted. I didn’t go after you when you went to him, because that’s my fear. That you’re always going to want Dawson more than you want me."

"Well," she mimicked his posture, leaning against the opposite wall. "You’re as stupid as I am."

"I told you we make a great pair."

She smiled and touched his hand with hers briefly. "We do."

"So, where does that leave us now?" He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Joey stared at his face longingly, wishing she knew the answer he wanted to hear.

"I don’t know." She forced herself to look away. "That’s up to you, I guess."

"Me?"

"You."

He brought his head down and looked at her, surprised that she wouldn’t face him. Turning slightly, he lay down on the floor, raising himself up on one elbow. "Why me?"

"Well, I’m sort of the one who screwed everything up. That means it’s all in your hands to forgive me."

"And you think I should? Forgive you?"

"No. But I wish you would."

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I forgive you for leaving me. Even though it was unnecessary, I understand why you did it. You’re mother’s death always did make you a little crazy. Faced with the situation again, what you did made typical Joey Potter sense."

"Is that different than other kinds of sense?"

He smiled and nodded. "Yes."

She stretched out slightly, tucking her toes under his thigh. "Oh."

Pacey closed his eyes, his whole body concentrating on the feel of her touch. It was purely innocent, but his body ached from the contact. "It’s everything after that gets…tougher. I mean, I’d like to think I was a little more understanding than I was in high school when Andie cheated on me, but then I think about how much higher the stakes were with you." Pacey looked at her, his gaze piercing. "Every time I try and get past the Dawson thing – the fact you slept with him and had his baby – I keep coming back to the fact that you profess that you don’t love him, not like you love me, and yet you gave him everything you wouldn’t share with me."

"And so it all comes down to Dawson."

"Yeah."

"I could call him. We could have this out once and for all. He could ply you with whiny optimism and you could woo him with your biting sarcasm. We’d all slip into the same patterns we do whenever we’re together and find absolutely no resolution." Moving her feet, Joey turned and lay down beside him, still on the opposite wall of the hallway. "Dawson likes things to stay the same. Things change."

"They do."

"I guess I’m just wondering if we’ve changed? If we’ve changed enough or too much or…" She reached out and touched him, her thumb brushing over his bottom lip. A shudder ran through Pacey and he struggled not to move. "I have questions I have no right to ask you."

"I can’t forgive you for having Dawson’s child, Joey."

"I figured that."

"I…I saw her. In the hospital. I went to see her in ICU. And she broke my heart, just like you always do."

"Is there any way…I can find…forgiveness?"

"I’ve had a long time to think about this. I’ve pretty much thought about it non-stop since that morning. I thought about what it meant and what it felt like, I thought about how you were feeling and how he was feeling. I thought about…everything. Imagine someone took the thing you wanted most in the world and offered it to someone else."

"You’ve started dating."

He shook his head, his eyes not understanding. "What?"

"You’ve started dating." She cleared her throat in an effort to get her voice back to normal. "I was sitting in Andie’s kitchen and she went on and on about the woman you were seeing. About how you said she was so pretty. And how she made you laugh. And how you were wondering how you’d know if it was the right time to…" Joey shook off the thought and cleared her throat again. "I was sitting there, not drinking her coffee, telling myself I had no right to call you. No right to ask you to talk to me. No right to want to find this woman and rip her spine out. No rights at all."

"It’s not the same thing."

"No. I betrayed you with our best friend. I gave him the child you so desperately wanted. And no one escaped unscathed." Joey started to sit up when Pacey’s hand reached out and stopped her, keeping her eyes level with his. "We had to grow up, Dawson and I. In that moment, when they told me? I kept thinking ‘God, I wish Pacey were here.’ I asked Dawson where you were. I begged Bessie to find you for me. And then you were there. And then you were gone. I clung to the fact that you’d always love me like a lifeline, Pacey. You were my strength while I recovered, during the funeral, and…you are always my strength."

He continued staring at her, his eyes searching hers. "What do you want from me, Joey?"

"I don’t want anything from you, Pacey. I just…I just want you."

He swallowed hard. "Physically?"

"You said you were going to try to stop loving me. Were you able to?"

"I’m lying here on your floor listening to heartfelt confessions, Josephine. Does that seem like the action of a man free of love?"

"I never, not for one day, stopped loving you. Stopped wanting you. So I guess, what I want…what I need to know is if there’s any hope for us. If there’s any chance we can find our way back to each other. If there’s any chance I can make you forgive me and love me again…maybe not the same way, maybe not with the same intensity. I need you, Pacey. And I want you."

His hand was still on her arm, his thumb rubbing the soft skin. "I don’t know, Joey."

"I…I love you."

His eyes closed and he wondered if he’d ever thought he could resist her. Leaning forward, he brushed her lips with his, so soft so breathless. "I love you too."

**

Joey whimpered softly and wove her hand through Pacey’s hair, pulling him toward her. His lips found hers easily, moving against them in a sensual rhythm. He moved closer, pressing her back against the wall. His tongue traced her lips, feeling the soft texture, tasting her.

She moved against him, her body molding to his with practiced ease. She let her hand find the back of his neck, teasing the short hairs there, causing him to shiver. Her other hand slipped under his ribcage and ran over his back, feeling his heat through the thin material of his shirt.

Pacey trembled with reaction as his arms wrapped around her and he slipped his leg between hers. One hand caught the back of her neck and held her while the other brought her to him, their heat and need building. His tongue parted her lips and he slowly slipped it into her mouth, savoring the essence of her.

The hard tips of her nipples pressed against his chest, rubbing softly as she moved in his embrace. He moved his hips, their bodies dancing. She moaned his name under her breath and his eyes snapped open. Pushing her from him, he rolled away, slamming into the wall. "Fuck," he panted harshly.

Joey stared at his back, heaving violently as he struggled to control his breathing. Casting a quick glance down, she noticed her own chest rising and falling rapidly. "I’m sorry."

He shook his head. "We…whe…I apologize." He squeezed his eyes shut, haunted by the image of her. "I kissed you."

"I wanted you to." She reached out to touch him, but let her hand fall before she could. "I want you."

He forced himself to his feet, not looking at her. "It’s late. We’re both…tired."

She stood as well, leaning against the wall as her knees shook. He was overpowering so close, so warm, so unattainable. "You take the bed."

"I’ll take the couch."

"You’ll…you’ll stay?"

He nodded, tugging his tie off as he walked back to the living room. "I promised you I wouldn’t leave. I meant it. We’ll resolve this one way or another. We’ll both have our closure and we’ll both be okay."

"And then you’ll go."

"We left each other a long time ago, Joey." He turned back to look at her one last time. Her dress was wrinkled, her body obviously aroused. He wanted her so badly he could taste it, wanted to taste her. He wanted to pin her to the wall and sink down between her thighs, wanted to ravage her with the pent-up passion of a year without her.

"I guess you’re right." She sighed softly, her eyes roaming over him. His pants hugged his body, reminding her of his subtle contours. His shoulders were slumped but strong, and her hands ached to ease the tension between them. "I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows."

"I’ll be fine."

"Now you’re just being an ass." She put her hands on her hips petulantly and glared at him. Pacey looked at her over his shoulder and laughed softly.

"You always liked my ass, as I recall."

She pulled open one of the doors that lined the hallway and grabbed some blankets and a pillow. Holding them out to him, she smirked. "Go to bed, Pacey."

"Yes ma’am." He took them from her and headed back to the couch. "Sweet dreams, Josephine."

She walked backwards to her room, her eyes watching him all the way. Shutting the door behind her, she leaned on the cool wood and took a deep breath. "That would require sleeping, Pacey. And I doubt I’ll be doing any of that."

Undressing quickly, she dug through her dresser. She found what she was looking for in the bottom drawer, shoved back as far as it could go. Pulling the thin material toward her, she shook it out and smiled. His favorite T-shirt. She’d stolen it roughly two days after he’d bought it.

It was for a restaurant she’d found before their honeymoon. She’d dragged him through the back roads of some small town until they’d parked in front of it. She’d climbed out of the car and gestured to the sign. "Ta-da."

Pacey sighed and looked up, a smile replacing his annoyance. "Witter’s?"

"I think I paid a large chunk of Jack’s business start up cost to find this place for us. So, what do you think the odds are that they cook as bad as we Witter’s do?"

"No one cooks as badly as you do."

"Hey!" She grabbed his arm and tugged him closer to her. Her body fit so easily against his. "You’re a worse cook than I am."

His hand smoothed back her hair and he kissed the tip of her nose. "Love you, Potter."

"Uh-uh. Witter now." She showed him the ring. "Don’t you try and forget it."

She’d pulled him toward the restaurant and they’d eaten a semi-decent meal. When they’d told the owner that they’d just gotten married and their last name was Witter, he’d insisted on giving them one of the shirts for the establishment.

She pulled it on and laughed softly as she climbed into bed. The Witter’s logo was displayed prominently across her breasts. That was why it was his favorite T-shirt. She lay back against the pillows, staring up at the moonlit ceiling. She wouldn’t sleep tonight. Couldn’t sleep with him so close, yet so far from her.

Pacey stared at the door she’d disappeared through, his whole body tight with frustration. He slammed his head back against the pillow, not caring that the hard wood of the couch arm sent darts of pain through his brain. She was close enough to touch, and yet he couldn’t let himself.

Getting off the couch, he walked over to the wall and looked over the pictures she’d put up. They were far more professional than anything he’d seen of hers. One was abstract, a swirl of soft colors that evoked something painful inside him. Looking at the small plaque that adorned the frame, he understood.

"Goodbye." He whispered the word as he read; knowing it was her homage to her child. The colors were delicate and feathery, dancing out from a dark center. He lifted his hand to it, touching it through the glass. It was a physical manifestation of her pain, surrounded by the swell of loss and acceptance. As much as he hated the thought of her with Dawson’s child, a part of him ached for her to have that life again.

He walked slowly to the next one, noticing that she’d spaced them perfectly. There was time to reflect between each piece, even in the small apartment. A cacophony of blues rioted over the canvas, harsh and solemn all at once. He read the plaque on this one and laughed quietly. "Goodbye."

He left the picture, heading for the kitchen. Grabbing another beer from the refrigerator, he walked back to the couch and sank down on it, his gaze trained on the painting. From a distance, the blues coalesced into a shape, one he probably wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t read the title. Turning his head to the first one, he swallowed against the sudden onslaught of tears.

In the picture, buried under the colors and seeming randomness was a child. And lost in the swirl of blue was his face, muted and hidden where only someone looking for it could see it. And somehow, he knew she saw it every time she looked at it.

And he also knew he wouldn’t be getting any sleep.


	2. Saturday

Pacey jerked awake as the phone rang, fumbling for it in the early morning light. He blinked rapidly when his hand didn’t find it, searching the unfamiliar room as his eyes focused.

"Hello?" Joey’s voice was deep and husky, slightly scratchy with sleep. And it did little to ease his morning erection. "Hmmm? Mmmm-hmmm."

"And those sounds are helping," he muttered, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. He looked over the back of the couch and moaned softly. She was wearing a T-shirt that barely brushed the top of her thighs and nothing else. Her long legs seemed to go on forever and she looked delectably hazy.

"Yeah. Well…yeah. I do." She looked over at him, smiling. He looked tousled and messy. His stubble was dark on his pale skin and he still looked exhausted. She walked over to him, carrying the phone. "Hang on." She handed it to him. "It’s Doug."

"Doug? Deputy Doug?" Pacey took the phone. "Hi?"

"I’ve been calling all over creation for you all night, little brother. Get you ass down to Capeside. You’re about to be an uncle."

"I’m already an uncle…oh shit!" Pacey grinned at Joey. "I’m on my way." He turned the phone off and grabbed her, hugging her tightly. "Get some clothes on, Josephine. We’re going to Capeside."

"I shouldn’t." She reluctantly disengaged herself. "It’s a family thing."

"And all of us weren’t crowded around when you were going through labor?" He turned her around and slapped her on the bottom. "Get your ass in gear, Potter."

She grinned and looked back at him over her shoulder. "You did it again. You’re always grabbing my ass."

"In your dreams. Go." He hung up the phone and searched around for his coat and tie. He looked down at his shirt and sighed. It was beyond wrinkled. "Do you have any more of my clothes in there?"

Her grin widened as she slipped off the T-shirt and started getting dressed. He’d noticed. "Maybe. Why?"

"Because I look like something the cat dragged in. And I want the kid to like Uncle Pacey, not fear him. So, you got anything I can wear?"

"I think so." She opened her closet and dug through it. Grabbing the desired item off the hanger, she hid herself behind the door and held it out to him. "Will this do?"

"My *hockey* jersey? Jesus, no wonder I couldn’t find it. You…you cost me a fortune in clothing, Josephine." He grabbed it out of her hand and stalked back into the living room, pulling his dress shirt off as he went. Tugging the jersey on over his white T-shirt, he glared at the bedroom door. "Was it too difficult to buy your own clothes?"

"No. I just liked being in yours." She came out of the bedroom dressed in jeans and a shirt of her own. "I couldn’t be in your pants, I figured your shirts were the next best thing." She grabbed her purse and the keys to the car. "You driving?"

He grabbed them from her as he opened the front door. "What do you think?"

They’d been driving for a while before he spoke, the silence comfortable, despite the tensions that still clung to each of them.

"When did you leave Capeside?"

"About a month after the funeral." Joey shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Things between…well, everyone started to get tense. I’d moved out of the Leery’s house and was staying with Bessie."

"Was it like high school all over again?"

"Not exactly. You know how Bessie is, never shy about speaking her mind? Well, she basically told me what she thought of me and Dawson. And she didn’t mince words."

"Bessie always liked me best."

"Yeah, well, she likes you a hell of a lot more than she likes either of us." Sighing, she looked out the window to watch the sun rise. "It was so strange to go from this outpouring of sympathy to all of these angry recriminations on your behalf."

"Did either of you really believed that you’d be respected for what happened?" His voice was curious, non-judgmental. "I mean, Mitch and Gale’s marriage broke up because she cheated on him. Bessie lived through the same thing you did with your Mom and Dad…"

"No." She turned to look at him, trying to find the words. "When I found out I was pregnant…I knew I only had one choice. And in making that choice, I only had the option of Dawson."

Pacey’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. Joey watched him as he reacted, noticing the pulse pounding in his jaw.

"How much do you hate him?"

"It’s not that I hate him, Jo. It’s that I can’t hate him, not really. Because I know exactly where he’s coming from. If you look back at our illustrious past, in his eyes, I stole you from him. I know what it’s like to want you so much it hurts. I know what it’s like to want a child and not have one. I…I want to kick his ass so fucking badly." He laughed, leaning back against the seat. "You were wrong, Joey. Giving you the ring didn’t give me closure."

She watched as his hand lifted to the neck of his shirt, feeling for the ring that was no longer there. A small, private smile crossed her lips as she wondered how many times he reached for it, reached for her. The soft rush of hope filled her and she gently placed her hand on his thigh. "If I could take it all back, Pacey? You know that I would, don’t you?"

He looked down at her hand for a long time before looking over at her. "I want to believe that, Joey. I really do."

"You can."

"I’m just a little afraid of trusting you right now." He reached down and rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand before taking it in his own. He surrounded her with the comforting feel of his skin before depositing her hand back on her own leg. "And I can’t promise that’s going to change."

She nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at her. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she turned back to the window. "So, do you know if they’re having a boy or a girl?"

"Nope. They might. Babies weren’t considered the safest of topics on the phone calls I shared with the Witters." He shrugged. "I can’t imagine why."

She laughed along with him, loving the sound. "Yeah. I mean, you’re so rational and calm when it comes to emotional subjects, I can’t imagine why they might think a subject like that might set you off."

"Hey, I’ve been the model of decorum. Besides, I’m perfectly okay with my brother impregnating my ex-girlfriend. Although I still refuse to believe that he’s straight."

"They’re never going to let you see their children, you realize that? I can see little Dougie or little Andrea junior looking up at Doug and asking ‘Dad, what does it mean when Uncle Pacey says you’re a closet case?’"

"I’m going to be their favorite, what are you talking about?"

"And Doug is going to put out some sort of restraining order on you." She laughed and brought her legs up. Wrapping her hands around them, she rested her head on her knees and looked at him. "Which is a pity. Because they’re going to love you."

"Yeah, I’m loveable. Just ask all my kids."

"How is teaching?"

His eyes brightened. "Wonderful. New class this year, which is always tough, but they love me just as much as they did before."

"And how’s Alicia?"

He laughed. "You wouldn’t believe her. She lost the braces, got contacts. Went away for the summer and got some confidence. She’s the catch of the school."

"And who caught her? The best friend or the worst enemy?"

He reached over and took the hand he’d refused earlier. Placing it softly on his thigh, he grinned. "The worst enemy."

"Something told me it would work out that way."

"What was that?" He held onto her, not wanting to question his motives or his feelings.

"Experience."

**

Jack was pacing in front of the hospital when Pacey pulled the car into the parking lot. He noticed the MG and headed out to meet them, his whole demeanor nervous. Joey climbed out immediately, not waiting for Pacey to fully park before her door was open.

"What’s the matter, Jack? Is everything okay?"

"I don’t know. Doug’s practically bouncing off the walls. He’s been trying to find Pacey, hey Pacey," He nodded in his direction. "All night. He keeps telling the doctor to do something for her, but there’s nothing they can do. She’s doing fine, according to them."

"How long has she been in labor?" Joey and Pacey fell in step with Jack as they headed back for the hospital. "Since last night?"

"Early this morning. She started having contractions last night, but she didn’t come to the hospital until about three. I got here about six." He looked at his watch. "You guys made good time."

"Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot of practice speeding." Pacey put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. "She’s going to be fine."

"I know. I know. I think." Jack nodded. "God, I’m a mess, and I’m nothing compared to Doug."

Pacey spotted his brother as they walked through the doors. He was pacing in front of the same group of chairs they’d all sat in while Joey was in labor. His hair was ragged, his hands combing through it nervously. He looked up as he heard them and managed a smile. "I *never* thought I’d be glad to see you, little brother."

"Yeah, well, I’m still not happy to see you. Typical Doug, waking me up at ungodly hours to hurry up and wait."

"You can leave."

"And have you drive Jack insane? He’s too good of a friend to make him suffer that fate." He put his arm around Doug’s shoulders. "How is she?"

"Good. In pain. She’s…" Doug shrugged and let Pacey guide him to one of the chairs. "I’m supposed to go in there pretty soon. They’re giving her something for the pain. I don’t know that I can…"

"You can."

"I hate to see her in pain."

"It’s the right kind of pain, Doug." He cast a quick glance in Joey’s direction. "She needs you there. You’re the guy who makes everything make sense for her, so go make this make sense. She’s going to be scared too. You’ll get through it together."

"It’s funny. The only time I ever remember being afraid before is the day we got married. I kept looking up that aisle, expecting her not to be there, expecting her to come to her senses and get the hell away from me."

"Well, we all expected her to come to her senses, but I guess you lucked out, since she hasn’t yet." Pacey ignored Doug’s dangerous look. "She needs you, Doug. And you need her. So go be there for each other and share what is probably going to be the most magical moment of your lives together."

"I’m scared, Pacey."

"You really are gay, aren’t you?" Pacey leaned back in the chair, trying to hide his smug smile.

"What?" Doug turned on him, his eyes flashing.

"Well, come on Doug. *Dawson* was more of a man than this." He shrugged. "I mean, he was in there with Joey." Pacey felt his muscles tightened and willed himself to relax and let go of the memory. "You tellin’ me that Dawson Leery, the biggest wimp in Capeside has more balls than you?"

"You’re an ass."

Pacey grinned. "You goin’ in there?"

Doug stood up and shook his head. "Fuck you."

"Give Andie our best." He was about to say more when he felt Joey’s hand on his arm. She shook her head and moved closer to whisper in his ear.

"Let it go. You say one more thing and he’s liable to go for your throat."

Pacey felt his heart speed up at the feel of her breath on his skin. He nodded mindlessly. "Good point." He waved to Doug before he disappeared down the hall. "We’ll be here." Turning back to Joey and Jack, he sighed. "So, what do we do for the next couple of hours?"

Jack shrugged. "I have to make a couple of phone calls. Brad doesn’t know where I am." He looked down the hallway in the direction Doug had disappeared. "She’s going to be fine, right?"

"Just fine," Joey promised him.

"And the baby?"

She forced a smile, not wanting to hurt him, not wanting to hurt. "The baby’s going to be fine, Jack. Don’t worry."

Eighteen hours later, Pacey rolled his neck in an effort to work some of the kinks out of it. "Don’t worry, she says. Everything’s fine, she says." He paused to glare at Joey. "Obviously spoken by a woman who didn’t have to stay awake on this swill they call coffee."

"She is going to be fine." She returned Pacey’s dirty look. "Eighteen hours isn’t all that long."

"You were in labor for seven," Jack reminded her. "Eighteen hours is an eternity." He got out of his chair and started pacing. "Doug must be ready to snap."

"Doug snapped a long time ago," Pacey informed him. "I think it was when I was five. It’s all kind of hazy, but that’s about the time he started freaking out."

"Pacey, that’s about the time he hit puberty," Joey reminded him with a hard poke to his ribs. "I remember you at fifteen. God, what a nightmare."

"I was quite the man when I was fifteen, I’d like to remind you." He gave her a wink. "Besides, you at fifteen were nothing to write home about, Josephine. Hung up on a guy who couldn’t see the forest for the trees…"

"Well, the trees were made out of blonde from New York with nice boobs, Pacey. How was he supposed to see me?" She took his empty coffee cup and stood up, heading to the pot to fill it. "And you…you were too busy getting’ busy with Miss Jacobs to notice the rest of us lesser beings."

"Yeah, I was quite the thing, wasn’t I?" He put his hands behind his neck and watched her pour the coffee. "But as I recall, I did end up noticing you that year."

She could feel his eyes on her as she turned, and she met his gaze deliberately. There was something smoky and sexual in her eyes, matched only by the heat in his. "You did."

Jack cleared his throat. "Um…this is a public place, you know. And I’d hate to have to explain it to Doug and Andie if, after all this time trying to have a baby, when they finally did you two had disappeared to go make one."

Pacey recoiled from Jack’s words, standing up and walking away. Joey set the coffee cups down and gave Jack a searching look. "Thanks."

"I’m sorry, Jo. I didn’t think."

She sank down into a chair, watching him as he went to the nurse’s station to check on Andie’s progress. "That’s okay. He’s thinking enough for the three of us."


	3. Sunday

Pacey blinked rapidly against the harsh light, shrugging off hand that was shaking him. "What?" He rubbed his eyes, opening them wide when he realized it was Doug at his side. "You look like crap."

Doug just smiled.

"Well?"

"What’s going on?" Joey and Jack both woke up, coming quickly to attention when they focused on Doug.

"Doug?" Pacey prompted.

"We…" His grin widened and he laughed out loud. "We had twins."

"You what?"

"Twins." Doug nodded. "Surprised the hell out of all of us." A yawn overtook him. "But after roughly twenty-eight hours of labor, mother and babies are doing fine."

Joey sobbed quietly, enveloping Doug in a hug. "I’m so happy for you."

Jack and Pacey nodded. Jack shook Doug’s hand and Pacey hugged him. "Can we see them?" Jack asked. "See Andie?"

"The babies are in the nursery right now. They’ll be bringing them to the room as soon as Andie’s there. I thought you might all like to meet the newest additions to the Witter brood."

Pacey caught Joey’s hand as they followed behind Doug and Jack. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. "Yeah. I think I am. Just…if I offer to keep one for them, tell them I’m joking."

"Whether you are or not?" He released her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"It still hurts. It’ll always hurt. But it doesn’t make this any less amazing."

"I’m beginning to think you’re the amazing one."

She let the compliment flow over her like a warm wave. "Just beginning? I thought you always thought I was amazing."

They walked into the room where Andie was holding her children. Pacey’s eyes softened and he shook his head. "That’s amazing."

Joey nodded. "Yes, it is."

Andie looked up from the delicate forms in her arms and smiled beatifically. "Hey."

"Hey." Joey moved beside the bed. "How are you?"

"Exhausted." She looked up at Doug, emotion like a beacon in her eyes. "And I wouldn’t have it any other way."

"They’re so…so tiny." Jack reached out to touch a tiny fist, pulling back quickly as the baby pulled away. "Sorry."

"No." Andie shook her head and gave Doug a look. He took one of the bundles from her. Holding out the baby she still held, Andie caught her brother’s eyes. "Uncle Jack? I’d like you to meet your nephew. Tim."

Jack took the baby carefully, unable to control his trembling hands. "He’s beautiful, Andie."

Doug walked over to Pacey and stood in front of him. "And I suppose it’s inevitable that they meet you too, little brother. So allow me to introduce you to your niece, Morgan."

Pacey stared down at the child in front of him for a long moment before actually taking her into his arms. Tears stung his eyes as he held her, her blue eyes gazing up so innocently at him.

"You’ve got lots to learn, little girl." Pacey whispered the words, not conscious of anyone’s gaze but hers. "And much to your father’s chagrin, I’m gonna teach it to you. But I promise you he won’t object to the first lesson." Turning, he raised his eyes from blue to hazel. "Morgan, this is your Aunt Joey."

Joey shook her head, not ready to accept the baby from Pacey’s arms. He stepped closer to her and touched her arm with a gentle hand. He very carefully guided it to his embrace, sliding it around the baby against his chest.

"It’s okay, Jo." He spoke softly as if to a skittish horse. "Come here."

She stepped closer to him, so that they were practically in each other’s arms, the baby safely between them. He wouldn’t look away from her eyes and she held the gaze, drawing strength from him. Her hands moved slowly and, when they were positioned correctly, Pacey gently deposited his niece in her arms. Tears clogged Joey’s throat and she stepped away from him, away from the intensity of the moment. "She’s…she’s…" Tears trailed down her cheeks and she stopped trying to speak.

Raising one finger to the silky skin, she stroked Morgan’s cheek and rocked her softly. The entire room was watching quietly but Joey only felt him, only cared that his eyes were on her like…like the eyes of a man in love. Raising her eyes to his, she gave him a weak and watery smile.

"You okay, Potter?"

The loving tone caused more tears, but she nodded. They were the right kind of tears. "Yeah." Joey very slowly, very carefully handed Morgan back to Pacey. She turned back toward the bed where Doug was sitting next to Andie, a warm smile on his face. "She’s beautiful. Thank you for…for…" She shook her head and hurried from the room.

Pacey sighed as Doug stood up and held out his arms. "Go after her, Pace."

"I’m going. Congratulations, although they’re way too cute to be yours, Doug. I’ll figure out how you managed it someday." He ignored his brother as he flipped him off, glancing down the hall in search of Joey. She was nowhere to be seen, but he had a strong feeling of where she might be.

The walk to the chapel seemed shorter than the last time he’d walked it. Despite the fact that it was Sunday, there was no one in the small room other than her. She looked up when he stood beside her, her tear-streaked face embarrassed. "Sorry about that."

He shook his head and sank down next to her. "Don’t be."

"I didn’t think it would be so hard, you know? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m wishing that Andie and Doug didn’t have this or that I wasn’t here. I was just…I miss my baby, Pacey." She started crying again and turned away from him. He put his hand on her shoulder and turned her back toward him.

"You’re supposed to, Jo. And you’re supposed to hurt right now. It’s called healing." He held her loosely, not wanting to pressure her. "The last time I was in this room, I was with Dawson." He felt her stiffen. "And I was wondering if he and I ever had a conversation that your name wasn’t mentioned in."

She laughed through her tears. "I guess I’ve kind of permeated your lives, haven’t I?"

"You’ve spread through us like a virus, Josephine." He leaned back, bringing her head against his chest. "I don’t know the right words to say about the loss of your baby, Joey. I tried to find them that day for Dawson, but there was too much history of pain between us and everything else kept getting in the way of it. But you, well, you and I have a lot more happiness than pain."

"All in all."

"But I still can’t think of the right words to say. Because every time I think about it, I think about how much we hurt each other."

She nodded and pulled away. "Hurting you…hurt me almost as much as losing the baby, Pacey. And there aren’t words." She turned and looked at him, her eyes full of questions, full of hope. "But there’s something else?"

"What’s that, Potter?"

She moved back into his arms and smiled as he wrapped them tightly around her. "This."

**

Pacey’s hand smoothed over Joey’s hair as he held her against him. They’d been in each other’s arms for over a half-hour now and the seductive comfort of her was lulling him to sleep. Closing his eyes tightly, he squeezed her. "You ready to go back?"

"Yeah. I think so." She pulled away reluctantly. "You know, while I was recovering in the hospital, I met an intern. Nice girl named Mea."

"And what did Mea have to say?"

She looked up at him, trying to gauge his mood. His body seemed tense and wary. "She told me she took you to ICU."

"And?"

If possible, he tensed even more. "She told me that she’d never met anyone so sad." He started to relax when she spoke again. "And she told me what you said to her."

"Her?"

He asked the question, but Joey knew he knew whom she meant. "I’d never felt worse about what I’d done than in that moment. I could picture you, kneeling in front of her and wanting her, not caring that she was Dawson’s so long as she was mine."

"You sound surprised."

"Did seeing her give you some sort of closure?" She reached up, catching the rings through her shirt, almost afraid of his answer.

"Not really. All it did was make me feel sorry for Dawson, which was the last thing I wanted at the time. Although, maybe it was for the best, since I had to see him. And maybe that sympathy kept me from making an ass of myself, making myself the bad guy."

"You’re so much stronger than I think any of us gave you credit for, Pacey."

"I’m not strong, Joey." He carefully disentangled her from his embrace and stood up. "I just learned how to hide it all at a really young age." He avoided her gaze, staring instead at the door to the chapel. "You ready to go say our congratulations one more time before we say goodbye?"

She nodded, walking ahead of him. He watched her for a long moment before following her, the easy peace they’d had just moments before gone in the wake of confession. Joey refused to look back, afraid of what she’d see in his eyes. She had to keep believing that she could reach him. Had to. She stopped walking and waited for him to join her. When he reached her side, she held out her hand, not speaking.

Pacey caught it in his own, squeezing it lightly as he looked down at her. "You okay?"

"Now I am."

Pacey sighed softly and continued walking, this time with her at his side. They reached Andie’s room and Joey knocked softly. When there was no answer, she pushed open the door. Doug was lying on the edge of the bed, Andie held carefully in his arms, both of them asleep. The babies were in crib carts, close enough to touch. "Let’s go home, Potter."

She nodded, not wanting to speak. They backed out of the room quietly, making their way toward the entrance. Pacey saw Jack at the nurse’s station.

"I’m going to let Jack know that we’re heading home." He fished the keys from his pocket. "Go start the car and we’ll go in just a bit."

She nodded and left as Pacey headed over to Jack. "Hey, McPhee. I’m going to take Joey home. Tell Doug and Andie I’ll call them tonight?"

"Okay." Jack yawned. "I called my dad and a few others. I guess I’ll stick around for them to show up before I head home. You going to be okay to drive?"

"Sure thing." Pacey nodded.

"How’s Joey?"

"Better." He shrugged. "She’s still dealing with things, and it’s going to take her some time, I think. I imagine it can’t be easy to see everything she was supposed to have all wrapped up so neatly and so…perfectly."

"Joey’s tough. She’ll make it okay." Jack looked down at the desk before catching Pacey’s eye. "You going to help her?"

There was a soft hitch in his breath as he tried to respond, a warm mixture of fear and excitement coursing through him as he heard his fondest wish and greatest fear spoken aloud. "I don’t know."

"Figure it out quickly," Jack suggested. "Before you guys miss your second chance."

"Thanks, Jack." Pacey hugged him. "Get some sleep when you can."

"Drive carefully."

"I will." Pacey headed out of the hospital, stopping short at the sight that greeted him. Joey was facing his direction, her eyes closed, her arms wrapped around Dawson. He felt the familiar rush of betrayal and anger flood through him and started forward.

"You look great, Jo." Dawson released his best friend and smiled at her. "You remember Nikki?"

Joey nodded and smiled at the other woman. "Hi. What are you guys doing here?"

"Jack called us. Told us that Andie had had the baby…or babies. He was kind of hard to understand. She had twins?"

"Yeah. A boy and a girl." Joey’s eyes fogged with tears of happiness. "They’re beautiful."

"Are you leaving?" Nikki sensed the sudden tension emanating from Dawson.

"Yeah. I’ve been here since yesterday morning about this time. I’m heading home, straight to bed where I intend to sleep for about a week. Waiting is worse than labor, I think."

"Are you going to the cemetery?"

Joey flinched at Dawson’s abrupt question. "No."

"Why not? I would think that this would make you want to go and see our daughter, Joey."

"My daughter isn’t what’s lying in the ground out there, Dawson. She’s in my heart and she’s with me always. I don’t need someone else having a child for me to think about the one I lost. I think about her constantly. Standing on a cold patch of dirt and wishing things were different won’t change anything."

"You never go."

"And you go too much." She met his eyes defiantly. "She’s not out there, Dawson." She touched his chest just over his heart. "She’s there. And that’s where she’ll live on. Going out there just reminds you of what you don’t have anymore. Why don’t you remember what you had?"

"Is that what you’re doing here with Pacey? Remembering what you had?" His voice turned cold.

"What makes you think I’m here with Pacey?"

"Jack mentioned it," Dawson stated flatly. "Joey and Pacey, together again. What was I to you, Jo? Just a break in the monotony of monogamy? Well, I’m assuming you were monogamous, even if Pacey wasn’t."

Joey was about to respond, her anger flaring when Dawson felt a hard tap on his shoulder. He turned angrily. Pacey’s grin was hard and grim as his fist connected with Dawson’s jaw. The sound of flesh against flesh seemed to shimmer in the cool morning air. Dawson stumbled and fell back against a nearby car as Pacey’s second fist caught him in the nose. A sharp crack resounded through the parking lot and Dawson’s hands flew to his newly broken nose.

Pacey glared at him for a moment before moving to Joey’s side and taking her arm. Looking down at her, he grinned widely, honestly. "Now, Josephine? I would say I have closure."

**

Groaning, Joey climbed the last few steps to her apartment. Pacey trudged behind her, his whole body aching with exhaustion. "I know you love the MG, Joey, but couldn’t you get a car that real grown-up people can fit in?" He rolled his neck, his hand rubbing the tight skin in an effort to ease some of the tension and kinks.

She ignored him and unlocked the door. Kicking it open, she walked inside and tugged her sweater over her head. Pacey watched in awe as she revealed her body to him. The pale pink bra stood out against her tan skin and he swallowed hard.

"Uh, Jo?"

She looked back, her eyes half-closed. "Pacey, I’m going to bed. I’m going to fall on the mattress and be out like a light. You’re welcome to join me or you can sleep on the couch, which is about as comfortable as sleeping on an ironing board." She kept walking, unfastening her jeans. She kicked them off as she moved, stripping down to the matching panties. "I promise not to try and seduce you."

He shut the door and locked it, his need for sleep warring with his need for her and his conscience. He was about to say something when she turned around and faced him, her hands on her hips. She looked tired and grumpy and petulant.

"Come to bed, Pacey."

He grinned at the sight of her, looking so much like the Joey he’d fallen in love with when he was a kid, although far closer to naked. "You promise to be on your best behavior?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. I already said I wouldn’t seduce you." She grinned and walked into the bedroom.

Pacey tugged the hockey jersey over his head as he walked down the hall. He paused outside the door; his mind kicking in and asking him what the hell he thought he was doing. Kicking off his shoes, he shed his jeans and walked into her bedroom. Not looking around, he crawled in next to her dressed in nothing but his boxers and his T-shirt, telling his brain to shut the hell up.

She was already asleep from the look of her and he lay next to her, as still as he could be. Joey raised herself up on one elbow and smiled at him, awakening something liquid and long dormant in him. Her hand ran over his chest before she lay down on it, her soft hair tickling his chin as he wrapped his arms around her. "You’re not going to seduce me, huh?" He whispered softly.

"Not right now," she responded, yawning again. "Go to sleep, Mr. Witter."

"Yes ma’am." He closed his eyes and turned slightly, cradling her in his arms as he drifted off. "Mrs. Witter."

The next time Pacey opened his eyes, it was dark outside. He closed his eyes again, wondering what day it was, what time it was. They’d gotten back from Capeside Sunday morning at ten. It was the end of fall, so the darkness outside didn’t necessarily mean it was late. Squinting at his watch in the dim light, he sighed. 7 p.m.

Joey had moved from his arms and curled around her pillow. He rolled onto his side and stared at her for a long minute, his hand tracing a path from her shoulder to the curve of her hip. His body responded to the feel of her bare skin and he reluctantly forced himself out of the bed.

Turning on the bathroom light, he stared at himself in the mirror. "What are you doing, Witter?" He asked softly. "You need to get your ass dressed and get the hell out of this house. If you don’t, you’re going to end up right where you were a year ago. You’re going to give her whatever she wants and you’re going to lose yourself in her again. And when she doesn’t want you, you’re going to be screwed. Completely, totally. Nothing is going to save you. You’ll lose your job, your students, your sanity. You’ll go completely around the bend and have to be committed so that you don’t jump off a bridge somewhere in the throes of unrequited…or too requited passion."

His reflection offered no answers. He used the restroom then washed his hands and face, watching his eyes as the water dripped from his skin. Grabbing a towel, he rubbed his face dry, still looking at himself in the mirror.

"You’re a lunatic, Pacey Witter. And you’re weak. And you’re spineless. Because you’re going to go out there and slide right back into that bed and hope like hell that she wakes up and wants to seduce you." He nodded, accepting the facts. "God, you’re pathetic."

He turned, his hand going to the light switch. It hovered over it as he stared into her bedroom, honestly looking at it for the first time.

The bed was queen sized, the frame made of cherry wood. The baseboard was low and plain, but the headboard was intricately carved, columns of the dark wood rising up from the frame to weave into an etched pattern of Valhalla, thunderous Gods and animals filling the great hall as Loki stood in the doorway, full of vengeful pride.

He’d found it at a garage sale while he was in college. He’d just moved into his own apartment for the first time and he’d sworn to all of his friends that the first thing he was going to buy was a bed. If he was going to be single and living alone, he was going to make sure he had everything he needed to ensure that any woman he asked would stay the night.

The day he’d bought it and brought it to his house, Joey had shown up and helped him lug it; piece by piece up the stairs. She’d helped him assemble it. She’d helped slide the new mattress on the frame then she’d crawled on top of it and smiled at him.

She was the only woman he’d ever made love to on the bed, the only woman who had ever touched it.

And apparently, the woman Doug had sold it to. "Doug would never tell me who bought the bed."

She sat up, pulling the sheet up to cover her. She’d felt his eyes on her, felt him taking it all in. "He told me you were selling it. He told me that you…he gave me a very clear picture of how much I hurt you. I thought it was probably the only thing I’d ever have left of you."

He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t think. Walking over to the dresser, he almost laughed. Picking up the picture frame, he gave her a quick glance over his shoulder. She moved over to his side of the bed and let her legs dangle over the side of it. The picture she’d drawn of the man holding the baby was carefully framed, in his hands now instead of on the dresser next to the one she’d drawn of him that last day in his apartment. "Andie found it at their house after you’d left. I…I’d never realized that it was you."

"I never thought it was anyone else."

"It never should have been." Joey got up and went to him. She touched him tentatively, her hands flat on his back as she lay her head against the strength of him. "Will…will you let me have your babies, Pacey?"

His whole body flinched and he carefully set the picture down. Struggling for control, he gripped the edge of the dresser. "I’m an old-fashioned guy. I couldn’t have sex before marriage."

"We’ve already been married."

"You’ll say anything to get me into bed, won’t you?" He concentrated on the banter, needing the familiarity of the words to keep him from thinking.

"Yes."

He lost the war with his thoughts, giving in to the one that weighed heavily on his mind since he’d woken up that morning and she’d shoved a knife through his heart. "Will you marry me, Potter?"

"Yes."

He turned around slowly, giving her time to back away, to change her mind before he met her eyes. They were dark and unsure, while the normally dancing blue of his was solemn. "There are a few ground rules."

"Of course."

"We tell each other the truth. Always."

"Agreed." She stepped forward and kissed him softly then moved back.

"No more running. Not from each other. Not to Dawson."

"Agreed." She moved in again and kissed him, letting her lips linger on his for just a moment before moving back.

"I’m out of my fucking mind."

"Is that a yes?" She asked softly, unsure.

Pacey left the room and Joey gasped quietly, the hot rush of tears hitting her. He stood in the doorway watching her for a moment until she realized he was just standing there, his jeans in his hands. Dropping them, he walked back to her and held out his hand.

She took it and slowly pried his fingers open, catching her breath as the shimmering glint of her engagement ring caught her eye. Pacey raised his other hand to brush her hair from her face, carefully moving the tear-dampened strands behind her ear. "I don’t know, Potter. You tell me."

**

She touched the ring with trembling fingers, her tears lodged in her throat. She picked it up from his open palm and brought her eyes to his. He was smiling softly, every fear clear in his eyes. "Pacey?"

"One thing they never mentioned in that book I got when we separated? What to do with the diamond you gave the woman you love when she doesn’t want it anymore." He looked down at the ring, unable to hold her eyes. "I was going to give it back to you on Friday night. Of course, I didn’t exactly plan on giving it to you like this."

She bent her head so that she could see his face, "Is this the way you wanted to give it to me, Pacey? Or are we caught up in a moment here?"

"Are they mutually exclusive?" He raised his head and smiled meekly. "Because I’m feeling very caught up, but it feels right. More right than I’ve felt in a long time."

She stared at the ring for a long time, pondering his words. Slowly raising her head, she let a slow smile brighten her face. "I wanted these."

Pacey took the ring from her, surprised to find his own hands trembling. A strange sense of peace filled him as he slipped it on her finger. "You knew you were going to get them."

"I hoped. I didn’t know."

"You knew." He held her hand, the diffused light from the bathroom causing the ring to sparkle. "How many times have you watched that movie since that day?"

"None." She reached out and touched his cheek, the stubble rough against her fingers. "It kind of stuck in my mind."

"You said last night you weren’t going to seduce me."

Her smile widened. "I did say that."

"Would you be opposed to me seducing you?" He tilted his head and leaned in, brushing her parted lips with his. "Because if you wouldn’t, I was thinking I might be inclined to do so."

"Seduce me?"

He nodded and moved even closer, wrapping his arms around her waist. "Seduce you," he breathed as his lips met hers again. He lifted her up and carried her to the bed, setting her down beside it. "If there are no objections."

Joey licked her lips, brushing his with her tongue as well. "As much as I love to argue with you, Witter, I’m not about to object to that."

"Good." His hands slid up her back, tracing her spine until he found the clasp of her bra. He slowly unhooked it, smoothing the material away from her body. He stepped back as his hands moved up over her shoulders, pulling the straps away from her silky skin.

Joey closed her eyes, reveling in the feel of his touch. It had been too long since she’d felt it. She felt the fabric slip away from her breasts as he let it fall to the floor between them. Her breath caught as his hands moved down her arms. His fingers rested loosely on them, just above the elbows as he moved his thumbs over to brush the tautness of her nipples.

A shiver ran down her spine and she gasped, arching toward him. Pacey closed his eyes and moved his hands, covering the swell of her breasts. He massaged the tender flesh reverently, his eyes watching her face as a myriad of emotions played out. She tilted her head back, inviting him to the warmth of her neck, and he bent his head to comply.

His lips were hot on her skin, branding her with his kisses. His tongue caressed her as he licked and sucked at the length of her throat, working his way back to her lips. Joey’s hand tangled in his short hair, guiding his mouth to hers.

Their tongues met and danced, dueling hungrily. Pacey shivered as he kissed her, the heady scent and taste of her overwhelming after all this time. He drank her in, his hands leaving her breasts to roam over her body, needing to know the feel of her again. They made their way to her waist and he lifted her, guiding her onto the bed.

She lay down, opening her eyes to watch him as he let his eyes glide over her. Her body had changed since he’d last been with her and she wondered how he would react to the changes. His eyes noted the slight stretch marks on her breasts then moved down to the ones on her stomach. They were thin, just slightly lighter in color than the rest of her skin. He didn’t touch her, just stared at the subtle differences.

His eyes were so intent on her, she could feel the heat of a blush stain her skin. She tried to read the emotion in them, wondering if he was disgusted or if he even cared. His hand finally moved and he traced the small scar just below her navel. "The baby?"

She nodded wordlessly, covering his hand with her own. She pulled him closer and he took a tentative step toward the head of the bed. "Pacey?"

He ducked his head so that she couldn’t see his face and took a deep breath. He lifted his head slowly, looking at her through smoky eyes. He disengaged his hand from hers and brushed it over her stomach, watching as the muscles reacted to his touch.

His fingers brushed over the top of the pink material of her panties and Joey let out a soft whimper. He moved closer to the bed and slipped two fingers under the fabric at her hips. She arched off the bed, allowing him to push the material down her legs and ease it off her body.

Pacey continued to look at her, memorizing her in the dim light from the bathroom. He dropped the panties to the floor and just let his eyes sweep over her skin. He could sense her nervousness, sense the slight undercurrent of fear, sense the heat of her arousal as he raised his eyes to hers and let her know how little she had to fear.

"My God, I didn’t think you could be more beautiful." He breathed the words, afraid if he spoke them too loudly; he’d break the spell that seemed to have woven its way over them both. He put one hand on her ankle then let it run up her leg to her knee. "I’d have sworn that when I woke up that morning, you were the most exquisite creature, bathed in the soft light of the sun."

"I don’t want to talk about that morning, Pacey. I don’t want to think about how much I hurt you." She started to sit up when he shook his head, taking his hand from her leg.

"Don’t."

She lay back down, tears threatening. The fear she’d let dissipate, the very honest fear that he was just playing with her emotions now, finding the perfect moment to destroy her as she’d destroyed him, surged through her and she ached to turn onto her stomach and bury her head in the pillow.

Pacey watched her eyes, knowing what she was thinking. "Joey?"

"What?" she asked quietly, not meeting his eyes.

"Joey."

She turned her head and met his eyes defiantly, refusing to let the tears fall. "What?"

"I thought you liked to watch." He grabbed the bottom of his T-shirt and tugged it over his head. Her eyes stayed on him, entranced with the sudden show of his golden skin. He pulled his head free and grinned at her, the impish gleam in his eyes obliterating the fear for good. "I told you, Potter. The truth, always. I’m not looking to get revenge. I think we’ve both suffered enough, don’t you?"

He slipped off his boxers and smiled at her, climbing onto the bed and laying down beside her. She reached out with a shaky hand and touched his bare chest. "More than enough."

"Then come here and let me love you."

"I thought you already did."

He laughed softly, kissing the tip of her nose. "There’s a subtle distinction. Want me to show you?"

**

Pacey rolled onto his back, pulling Joey on top of him. She ignored his obvious arousal and focused instead on the feel of his body. "You’ve lost weight."

"You’re lying on top of me, completely naked and you’re concerned about my diet?"

She rested her arm on his chest and raised up, tracing his shoulder where the muscles knit together. "You feel different." She ran her fingers over his shoulder then up his neck. "I used to know every inch of you."

"So go exploring," he lifted an eyebrow suggestively.

Joey let her hand retrace its path, "Are you giving me free reign here?"

Pacey shivered from the light touch, his whole body alive with the feel of her. He slipped his hand to her waist and held her as he moved against her.

Her hips rolled with his, undulating in a gentle grinding motion that shattered the uneasiness that remained between them. Pacey groaned and rolled over, pinning her to the bed. "I’m sorry, Potter," he mumbled against her lips. "I've waited too long for this."

She thrust up against him, her hand slipping between their bodies and grasping the velvet skin of his arousal. Pacey licked the hollow of her throat, wrapping his tongue around the thin chain of her necklace for a brief second before he moved to nibble on the silky skin of her neck.

Joey brushed her thumb over the tip of his erection and he groaned again, sinking his teeth into her shoulder. Releasing him, she pushed him off her, climbing on top of him and straddling his thighs. "It has been a long time." She tightened her legs, pressing the heat of her own arousal to the hardness of his. He closed his eyes; his lashes fluttering against this cheeks as she lifted up slightly. She reached for his hands and brought them up to her breasts. "Since I’ve felt you."

Leaving his hands there, she reached for him and brought him to rest against her aching heat. Pacey inhaled as he thrust inside her, letting her envelop him.

His fingers danced over her skin, thumb and forefinger trapping the taut hardness of her nipples, rolling the tips as she began moving with him.

Joey kneaded his chest, learning him again. She traced the muscles of his chest, sprinkled faintly with dark hair that shrouded his own hard nipples. She ran her palms over his tight stomach, feeling the change in heft from the lost weight. Digging her nails into his skin, she arched her back and pressed down onto him, burying him deeply within her.

Pacey let his hands slide down to her hips, guiding her in a wild rhythm. Her knees dug into his thighs and she grabbed his hands, lacing her fingers through his for support.

He pulled her hands up beside his head, bringing her body flush against his. He released on hand and wrapped his arm around her. Rolling them both over, he held her to him, falling into her as he had so many times before. Warm, sweaty bodies clung together, parting reluctantly before meeting again and again.

Joey’s breath was hot on his feverish skin as he buried his head in the curve of her shoulder, wrapping himself around her as her legs entwined with his, becoming one, becoming whole.

She gasped softly; burning tears leaking through her long lashes as he whispered her name reverently, his own tears staining her skin. They continued moving together, thrusting more gently now, neither wanting the moment to end.

Pacey wove his other arm underneath her, hugging her close as he brought his mouth to hers in a searing kiss. All the heat of their lovemaking melted in their kiss, rushing through them like a warm rain. Joey’s body tightened around his, and she shook in his embrace, finding herself in him just when she thought she was lost.

The tightness of her buffeted him and Pacey shuddered, feeling complete for the first time since she’d walked out of his door. He rocked his hips, filling her, drowning in her. Joey let her legs slide along his, wrapping them tight around his upper thighs, allowing him to penetrate her deeper. They gasped together as he lengthened his thrust, finding fulfillment, finding peace. Finding each other.

Her legs slowly relaxed, releasing him. She slid them down underneath him, stretching the muscles that ached with satiation. "Getting to know you again is nice."

He extricated himself from her body, leaving the warmth of her, letting her go. Settling down beside her, he raised himself up on his elbow and gazed down at her, his fingers playing over her stomach, unwilling to stop touching her. "Nice," he nodded and bent down to kiss her swollen lips, licking the tender flesh. "Is not the word for it, Potter." He moved his hand up between her breasts, touching her necklace. "Make a wish."

He started to turn her necklace when Joey grabbed his hands. "Don’t."

A chill ran through him. "Don’t?" The word seemed so harsh in the room’s soft afterglow. "Don’t." He started to move away. "Fine. Don’t. I won’t. What are you hiding, Joey? What’s on the necklace that you don’t want me to see?"

She grabbed his hand, pulling him back toward her. Her eyes were defiant as she turned the necklace around, the two golden bands glinting in the pale light. "There’s another ground rule, Pacey." She pushed him away from her and got off the bed. "You have to trust me."

"I…"

"Don’t you dare say I do. My God, we just made love and already the ghost of Dawson is haunting the room. Well, I don’t need that. And if that’s all you have to offer me, then I don’t need you." She took off the ring he’d so recently given her and tossed it onto the bed. The finality of the gesture, the familiarity of the gesture seemed to hit them both at the same time.

They both stared at the diamond, glowing pale in the dim light. Pacey’s lips thinned to a grim line as he picked it up from the tangled sheets and held it between two fingers. "Fine then, Potter." He let it drop into his hand and closed his fist tightly. Grabbing his clothes off the floor, he headed for the door. "I’ll see you around."

"Pacey." Her voice was shrill and sad all at once, lacing through him.

"What is it, Joey?" He didn’t turn around, couldn’t.

"Goodbye."

The simple dismissal in her voice hit him and he nodded without looking at her. "Goodbye, Joey." He closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall. He felt irrational, he felt out of control, he felt… Turning around, he walked back to the door and pressed his forehead against the cool wood. He could hear her moving around, heading for the bathroom. The hallway was dark, but he closed his eyes and pictured her.

Her body, so different now, but so much the same. It was still his haven, still his peace. If he walked out now, he would lose that forever. There would be no other chances. He would lose her to his own selfish pride, his own foolishness. Losing her to Dawson was one thing.

Losing her to his own insecurity was something all together different. He waited until he heard the shower come on, the soft hiss of water pounding in his ears as he slowly turned the knob and opened the bedroom door.

The bathroom door was closed as well and he moved stealthily, unsure of his own reasons. Pausing outside it, he noticed she’d turned the bedroom light on. Looking over at the dresser, he noticed something he hadn’t seen earlier. Framed beside the picture she’d drawn their last day together was their wedding picture. It was as mangled as the last time he’d seen it.

The picture was scratched and ripped in some parts, fine lines from shattered glass covering them both. He wondered how she’d gotten it. He didn’t remember what he’d done with it, didn’t remember much of the day after she’d walked out of his apartment and, he’d been so sure, out of his life.

He set the photo down and looked at himself in the mirror over the dresser. She’d worn his ring as long as he’d worn hers. She’d worn his ring throughout her pregnancy, throughout their time apart. It had been in her eyes when she’d glared at him.

Perhaps she had cheated on him in a moment of weakness, but in the end, she’d still always worn his ring.

With a small smile lifting the corner of his mouth, Pacey moved to the bathroom door and opened it, wondering if she was waiting for him.

**

Pacey opened the door and slipped inside the steamy room. He slid the shower door aside and stepped into the hot spray, pulling it closed behind him. Joey was leaning against the side wall, her head pressed against her hands, laying flat on the slick surface.

"I thought you were leaving." Her voice was muffled and thick with tears.

"I started to," he admitted, running his finger along her spine. "But then I remembered something."

"What? That you hadn’t gotten quite enough revenge on me? Hadn’t made me suffer enough?" She ignored his seductive touch. "Trust me Pacey, you can’t possibly hate me as much as I hate myself for what I did to you. You can’t blame me more than I already do."

"If I hated you, Joey, none of this would hurt like it does." He placed his hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. Tears mixed with the shower spray, making her entire body shimmer. He released her shoulder and let his fingers brush her skin with feather-light touches, never remaining long as they glided across her chin, her breasts, her stomach. They stilled as he brushed her scar. "You lost your child, Joey. The last thing I want for you is more suffering."

"I can’t change what happened, Pacey…"

"I know."

"And as much as I love you, I can’t live under a cloud of suspicion. You have to trust me." She caught his hand and moved it away from her.

"I’ve lived in his shadow all my life." He spoke quietly, the hurt tone saying more than the words themselves. "My father respected him more than he did me. Hell, everyone thought he was better than I was. Except you." He leaned against the back wall of the shower, staring down at the floor in defeat. "When I kissed you, when everything began, I knew it was real, simply because you were willing to risk everything to be with me."

"But I’ve been afraid that one day you’d wake up and realize you’d made a mistake. Realize that you wanted the golden boy instead of the black sheep."

"You told me once that since the first day, you haven’t looked at another woman." She hated that he wouldn’t look at her now. "Pacey, since I fell for you, I haven’t wanted anyone else. Even that night, Dawson wasn’t the man I wanted."

"But he was the one man that would hurt me the most."

"It wasn’t a conscious decision, loving you was so integral in everything I did, I didn’t know how I was supposed to function if I didn’t have that anymore, or if you didn’t love me. So I fell back into old habits. I think I wanted you to hurt as much as I did."

"So where are we now, Jo? Both scared, both scarred. Both still hurting."

"Both still in love?" The whispered question hung in the air between them.

"It can’t ever be like it was before, Joey. Something repaired is never as strong."

"It don’t want it to be the same. It can’t be. We’re not the same people anymore." She stepped closer to him. "I want something different and new. I want to take those tentative first steps again. I’d understand if you don’t want to marry me again, Pacey. But I want very much to be your friend."

He looked up in surprise. "Friend?"

"And lover," she nodded. "Because I do love you, Pacey."

He was silent, staring at her in the quiet room. "Do you remember what I said to you the night I proposed? The first time?"

"Yes."

"How old were we?"

She smiled; glad she’d answered correctly, known what he was thinking. "We were ten. We were sitting on Dawson’s roof, spending the night. He wouldn’t let us in until he’d picked the perfect movie, because he said he didn’t want to hear us complain about every choice he made."

"You were all dreamy-eyed, hoping he’d pick something romantic."

"And you turned to me and bet me a candy bar that Dawson would let me down. And you said that, if I ever got over him, you’d be there."

"And you said that you’d rather rot in the creek than ever touch me, much less date me."

"And you said, ‘Potter, I’m gonna marry you.’ It was the first time you ever called me that."

"You lost the bet."

Joey nodded. "You shared your candy bar with me though."

"That’s because I felt guilty." He blushed lightly. "I gave Dawson a dollar to watch Lethal Weapon 3 that night."

She brushed his cheek with her thumb. "I know."

"He told you?"

She shook her head. "I knew it all along."

He grinned, surprised at the shyness of it. He felt very much as he had that night – stomach tied in knots of jealousy, suspense and hope. "You did?"

She nodded. "Yeah." Taking his hand, she pulled him to her and lifted his closed fist. Rubbing the knuckles, she coaxed it open and took the engagement ring from him. "Now, I have a question for you."

His heartbeat quickened, their eyes meeting, speaking a volume of emotion. His hand tingled from her touch. "What’s that?"

"Do you remember what I said the fourth time you proposed?"

She pressed against him, her body warm and willing. "I've only proposed three times, Joey."

She stepped away and he ached, already missing her. He watched in awe as she slipped the ring on her finger once again. She raised her eyes to his, her gaze putting all his fears to rest. "I said yes."


	4. Six Months Later

"Potter?"

Pacey sat up in bed, blinking rapidly in the soft gray light of morning. It felt strange to be in this bed alone. He looked around the room, searching for her. She was sitting in the chair that she’d pulled over by the window, staring out into the pre-dawn mist. Her hands were buried in her lap but, even without seeing her clearly, he could sense that she was playing with her rings.

"Come back to bed, Potter."

"I…there’s something I have to tell you first."

"You’re not going to say anything the hordes of other women haven’t already said."

"I love you, Pacey."

He moved over to the edge of the bed and swung his legs over the side. She looked at him, naked except for the sheet draped across his lap, and bit back the tears the sight of him brought.

"Joey?"

"I’m pregnant."

Pacey’s eyes widened for a brief second before narrowing. He watched as she seemed to shrink in the chair before he reached out for her hands. He tugged on them, pulling her out of the chair and into his lap. His hand lost itself in the ocean of her hair and he held her close. "It’s about damn time, woman. Now maybe I can get a decent night’s sleep."

She grinned at him and bit the tip of his nose. "Does that mean you have no intention of ravishing me this morning?"

"I don’t think I said that, Potter."

"So what are you waiting for?"

He lay back, pulling her down on top of him. "Say please."


End file.
